The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
