I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
