This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
