I just threw up on my dentist
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
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