Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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