he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
