But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
