You made me cry and you don't even care
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize