I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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