so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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