He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's get the cat blown out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
