Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
