he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
