He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize