yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
