u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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