literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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