My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize