My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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