as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
