he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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