Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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