2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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