Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
