How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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