Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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