he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
