i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
