don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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