i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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