The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
