He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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