I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
