I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
