when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
