I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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