I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
