if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he thought i was a dude.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
