11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
