I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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