just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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