So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
