drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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