Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize