just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
