I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
