apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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