I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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