Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
