smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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