He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
