I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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