what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize