So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
this hospital has no fireball
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
