I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
