Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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