i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize