Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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