I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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