woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She bit a glass in half.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
