A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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