i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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