the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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