I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
