New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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