Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i think my cat just said my name.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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