What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize