In America we eat man semen.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Send help, water and tortillas.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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